This myth says that guilt and shame are good for us because these two evil twins actually produce growth. The craziness of the logic here is that guilt and shame solve the problem of self-centered-ness and makes us more responsible, producing spiritual growth and sensitivity to spiritual matters. And myriad is the number of believers who live with such a steady dose of guilt and shame, they cannot receive the grace of God to experience any degree of lasting freedom and joy. Their faith in Christ is actually a heavy burden they carry around to remind them how "bad" they actually were/are.

This fictitious understanding is especially powerful for those who really believe the Bible. So many scriptures can be subtly twisted in such a way that they become convinced about their guilt and shame. Many parents actually use messages of guilt and shame in an attempt to control their children. Nearly all Christians know or think they have a basic understanding of the Bible which says (1) We are supposed to obey God, (2) We don’t, (3) We should, and (4) Shame on me. Believers are especially susceptible to messages that are shame based and designed to produce a change of mind. So…when we are made to feel guilt we go through a repeated cycle of guilt – confession, under the assumption that God will forgive us – as a result we "feel" less guilty – and then we go on with our lives until we are made to feel guilty again.

The problem is we can "feel" guilty without actually "being" guilty. 1 John 1:9 ("If we confess out sins, God is willing and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.") is not a bath for guilty feelings, it’s a sin bath. We don’t confess our sin(s) to get rid of guilt, but to have sin forgiven by God and to be reconnected in fellowship with him. Feeling guilty may or may not be a sign that you actually are guilty. Guilty feelings almost always focus on our badness, feelings of worthlessness and our deserved punishment. Rarely (almost never) does guilt move us toward relationship but instead moves us to hiding.

What is the answer? The answer is to understand the difference between godly sorrow (remorse) and worldly sorrow (guilt). Godly sorrow is empathetic, centering on the hurt we cause to someone we love. We feel bad because we feel the pain of the person we’ve injured. Godly sorrow seeks to heal, to make restitution to those we’ve hurt; reconciliation and relationship are its goals. Worldy sorrow on the other hand, seeks self-justification, it attempts to get rid of the bad feelings. Worldy sorrow is more concerned with the act done, which caused the guilt, rather than the restoration of the relationship.

Guilt and shame prevents us from receiving love and giving love. When we are preoccupied with our guilt, we may look loving; but we are usually absorbed with our own pain. And the tragic result is that we work harder and harder trying to get rid of our guilt feelings rather than working to feel the pain of others. Guilt ridden people are afraid to love. They give of themselves under the motivation that they "have to" or "its the right thing to do" or "I ought to" rather cheerfully. They do loving things to avoid feelings guilty, not because they want to.

Godly sorrow is a better response to our sinfulness: 2 Corinthians 7:9-11 – "Yet now I am happy not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done." (Italics mine.)

One of the Bible truths that I go back to over and over again is I John 3:19-20: (italics mine) "This then is how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." When my feelings of guilt are getting the best of me and robbing me of joy and the wonder of the grace of God, I remind myself that God knows my heart, as well as everything else about me, and he knows that in my heart, I really want to do the right thing and he is greater than my feelings of guilt and shame!